If and Why #random

If it gives insecurity, why bother?

If it gives depression, why bother?

If it gives more negative thoughts than positive ones, why bother?

If it gives more sadness than happiness, why bother?

If it gives more pains than enjoyments, why bother?

Why stay if you could run?

Why bother if you could care less?

#imissyou

When life didn't turn out as what you planned, it felt so wrong.

You have already listed all the things you wanted to do in the future. The planning is there, with the people that you wanted to spend your life with. 

I guess, planning is just a planning, we can't really foresee the future, can we?

It's been a month since you have been gone. I miss you more than words can say. I even Googled articles or any writings on how to move on peacefully. I really did because it hurts me so much that I will never see you again. I cry a lot when the memory plays in my mind. I cry a lot when I look at your pictures. 

I heard my siblings, sharing their stories, dreaming about you. I was questioning myself, why I didn't get any? But then,few days ago, you appeared in my dreams, twice.Getting to see you in my dreams is a dream comes true for me. You looked happy and healthy. You told me "no more tears, I'm okay now" and in my second dream about you, if I want to meet you, I need to come to church and pray. I will, ma. I believe you're in a better place now. No more pains. You have done enough and it's time for you to rest. We will look after dad. We will look after each other.

I really miss you. I really really really miss you. Your pictures and memories in my mind are left for me to hold.

Rest in peace, mother.

We shall meet again.

New Reality To Wake Up To

Sometimes when I woke up, I thought it was just a dream. It couldn't be real. But still, it hurts so much to be knocked with the reality; I am no longer able to touch you, to smell you, to hear your voices. I miss going to your room, to check whether you’re sleeping. I miss knocking your door to tell you dinner is ready, lunch is ready, the food is ready. I miss to prepare your favourite food. I miss everything about you. I miss seeing your smiles, I miss your smell, I miss to look you in the eyes, I miss to sleep next to you. I miss seeing you doing your daily routine.

Why do you have to go so soon? I haven’t gotten the chance to pay you back. For all the sacrifices you have made. Did I thank you enough? Did I love you enough, ma? I am not a good daughter for I have done so many things to hurt you. I know, there are thousands scars behind those beautiful smiles. I wish I had the time to make you feel happy like genuinely happy.

But I believe, I have faith that you’re in heaven right now. You deserve a place right next to God. I have known you as a mother, as a person. I know how religious you were, how devoted you were, preaching and practising the words of God. Be in peace among those holy people in heaven. I believe we will be reunited again, ma.

A mother’s love is unconditional; A mother is someone who would jump in a fire just to make sure you have what you need, will run a thousand miles just to get you what you want” For all the sacrifices you made, Thank You, ma. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

This was me, while accompanying my mother at QEH II back in July 2014.

I will always love you.

Love will never die,

And with you, there will be no goodbye.

For love is a treasure,

And you are love, that I will cherish forever.       

Life as a jobless Master's Degree Student

That feeling you got when your supervisor starts to outline her own version of gantt chart for your master's degree instead of just go with my version of it; what to accomplish within these months, what to do in the next month, when to start writing, when to present, when to analyze data, when to viva, when to finish all the chapters ughhhh

The stress starts to kick in!

It's gonna be a ride of hell for this year, I tell ya.

Goodbye my vacation, goodbye my movie time, goodbye my precious sleeping time, goodbye all entertainment. goodbye.

Hoping for the best in my study. I really really hope I can graduate next year so that I can start to brag hunt for a new stable and well-paid job with a  piece of paper written with 'master's degree certificate worth thousands bucks.

As GST will be implemented soon in this economically not stable country. I just hope I won't die due to starvation for not be able to buy taxed food.

So, my contract ends today (yeah!) but I just don't understand why do I have to come on Monday to discuss on the reflective writing. I just don't.

That's for now folks. Will try to write again tomorrow. See y'all!
xoxo

when, my make-up is on point

THAT MOMENT WHEN MAKEUP IS ON POINT 

GIRLS BE LIKE...

SELFIEEEE

This was my look yesterday, kinda happy with my makeup and took hundreds of selfies and chose 4 out of hundreds taken lol. Makeup and I, inseparable! 

Junk Writing

Today is just a  typical Wednesday. It's been ages since my very last post. obviously. I don't have any specific topics or titles or whatever you want to call it to be added in my entry list. This is just a piece of junk writing.

Hey, it's new year! Yeah like it is almost the end of January. lol.

Most people I suppose must have a list of new year resolutions, like ya I must achieve this and this before 11:59 midnite, 31/12/2015 and here I am, like ya, whatever~

I don't have any list for things to be done or achieved in 2015 but I certainly want to do better than last year. That's the spirit girl~ Anyway, what's your new year resolution? Might be to late to ask.

Okay. So, just want to update few things.

• January will over soon, so does my contract, which means, I am gonna be an unemployed graduate sooooon *applause*
• 
  
• and my mother, she's doing really really great regardless her traumatic 1 month experience in hospital. Thank God for everything. She has gained her memory back, she has gained few kilos (I didn't really measure how much she weight) but she looks healthier than before. I love you mom. Looking at other aneurysm survivors out there, I could't be any grateful.

• Regarding my study, it didn't seem look good. Me and research are two incompatible couple like I have to ditch it and be in a relationship with coursework instead. Will graduate longer than I thought, but at least I know what I want and the planning is there.  

I guess that's all for now. Hopefully I will have 'time' to throw another entry in here anytime soon.